Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
