so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
