I faked an abortion last night.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
