On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
