I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
