ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
