I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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