He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
