i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
