Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Randomize
