I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
