Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
