Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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