it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Randomize
