I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
