And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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