I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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