Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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