Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
