Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
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