she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
