if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
