thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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