I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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