I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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