I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
