So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
