remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
