$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
