i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Someone shattered a urinal.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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