never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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