oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
