And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
