yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
