my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
