just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize