I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Randomize
