ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
