I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
