thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
