I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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