theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Randomize
