I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Randomize
