He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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