We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
