I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
