you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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