Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
