you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize