you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I checked into jail on foursquare
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
