My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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