just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
