my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize