He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
