I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
