i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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