do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Randomize
