I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
