A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
