i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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