im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize