dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize