there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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